I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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