What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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