Your face is a jimmy john
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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