A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
