just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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