Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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