my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
