apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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