Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
