my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
