So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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