sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
