How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
