Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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