It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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