Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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