Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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