somebody snuck up and got me drunk
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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