We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
