i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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