I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dick very happy bro
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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