I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
