Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
