god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
