Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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