Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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