Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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