filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
