I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
