life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
