I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
