I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You're like the curious george of whores
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
