Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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