does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
