I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
