one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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