At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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