I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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