I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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