my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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