What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
