Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
