At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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