Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
