guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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