Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
