i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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