Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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