Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
