A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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