i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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