Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
