so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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